Hey, I moved!
This is a comedy blog about football written by a lady, if you needed a reason to get off the internet and go clean your toilet.
How’s the Job Search Going, Rex?
Hey, did you know that we’re in a recession?
The big employment vacuum cleaner sucked up all the jobs, and then revealed himself to be an otherworldly being, only to then blast off with every industry ever, never to return. This means we will all have to eat our pets.
But it’s not just the little people.
As much as I joke about how Rex’s future employment prospects most likely involve personal appearances at the VFW (in exchange for enough alcohol to get him to finally sleep), Rex is significantly less fun unless he becomes some other team’s problem. The part-time quarterback, full-time sex cannon went free agent on February 26th, and because every unemployed person who is asked this question looks forward to the schadenfreude-tastic day where they get to ask it to someone else:
Hey, how’s the job search going, buddy?
Feb 27: The utter shock of being dumped results in standards immediately bottoming out. Rex gives the 2008 Lions the type of rim job they would normally only receive if they were wearing a paper bag over their heads.
March 4: Rex comes to his senses and remembers that the draft is the NFL equivalent of the Teen Makeover Movie. Except that it’s every girl in school, and they all get makeovers that are inversely proportional to how ugly they were in the previous year. Which means that the
Rachel Lions Cook are probably going to be able to snag a better prom date then him this year. Bummer, dude.
But hey! He sees the Bengals over there, lookin’ pretty easy. Nice.
March 5th: Rex waits for a phone call!
March 6th-17th: Rex watches a lot of Judge Judy.
FREE AGENCY ‘09 RULEZ!!!111!!!!!
National Fail-ball Leagues
Why Are These Upstart Leagues So Fail-y?
Besides the classic “Infantile understanding of the operating costs of an upstart company that has to start out at a comparable size to Coca-Cola”, there is a big miscalculation that every league, every time, seems to make.
This is strange, as the reason is obvious to me, and I am merely a lady bystander. And these dudes are not bystanders; they have millions upon millions of dollars, presumably in quarters.
I suspect it’s because the type of guy who thinks a smart business decision would be to start his own professional football league is just a really rich version of the guy who thinks a good business decision would be to open his own bar. Unfortunately, the money the first dude is throwing away isn’t “dad’s nest egg”, it’s “dad’s children’s hospital”.
So, I’m going to break it down for you, real simple, like if you’re someone who can’t hear really well due to the height of your popped collar. Because statistically speaking, you’re probably the dude who is going to attempt this in 15 years, and the sad babies with Hodgkin’s are just going to keep showing up on the horrible infomercials that you accidentally DVR’d instead of Rock of Love Bus.
This Is Why Your Upstart Professional Football League Fails.
It’s not necessarily poor planning. David Dixon, ringmaster of the USFL, spent 15 years studying the spring football league market, past failed attempts at creating one, and potential business models; he even commissioned a study. This was a man with a plan.
This was also a man that apparently nobody loved, as no one bothered to point out that the reasons why spring leagues don’t work have almost nothing to do with fan interest.
It actually has almost everything to do with God rationing physically exceptional people like supplies on Oregon trail.
For Your Perusal, Some Visual Aids:
This graph is not to scale, but take my word for it. “The Dregs” is neither a large group, nor an awesome nickname for a renegade linebacker who plays by nobody’s rules. It is a group roughly the size of a Girl Scout troupe.
Why Not Just Borrow the NFL Players During the Spring?
No. Contract issues aside, football players are not like other athletes.
Say you have two friends, one who is really fun, and one who is just OK. You go out with the really fun one and drink like a champ all night, and then pass out at 4. Then the just OK friend calls you at 11 AM, and says there’s a huge party and everyone is there, and you should come drink like a champ with him.
To which you say:
“No, dude. My body simply cannot do it. I need to spend the day watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and eating Cheet-os. And I’d go out with you later, when I am recovered, but I have a standing commitment with my really fun friend.”
There is a reason why a team only plays 16 regular season games a year: because each of those 16 games is like the worst bender of your life.
Why Not Just Use Draft and Free Agency Rejects and Promising Arena Football players?
Unfortunately, because you have decided to start your league after the NFL established its slightly illegal monopoly, people have become accustomed to a crazy genetic freak-man level of play. Sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t have spent that year after college backpacking.
Furthermore, all the genetic football freaks have plans to…uh, wash their hair this Saturday night, and pretty much every other night you plan on asking them. Sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t be so ugly.
And as much as we bitch about how Rex Grossman will be bagging groceries in 4 months (and dropping half the shit on the floor), the truth is that if you stuck him (a mostly unimpressive NFL player) in a game with draft rejects (as is the standard business model for the majority of upstart leagues), the game becomes such a consistent bloodbath that it’s not really that fun to watch. Because any NFL Player, even the one I want to send to the glue factory, is able to play better then anyone who can’t get in, by virtue of the fact that games do not straight up kill them.
Even worse, the upstart league bloodbath ends up being like the bloodbath executed by the 5th grade soccer team composed of players who just happened to be born right after the grade cut-off.
God dammit I hate this asshole.
And THAT is the big problem. Yes, you have an audience, congratulations on none of you ever collaborating in order to figure that out. But you have no actual product, because someone else has it all, and you have no way of getting it, because who the hell wants to go to a party at 11 AM, hungover, with a friend who is kind of boring? Which means that every time one of you tools tries to start one of these, it’s a step or two above a massive Ponzi scheme.
Also, sending someone to Arena Football League games in order to find and bring back the next Kurt Warner is a fun assignment that you might give to that guy in middle management who has been asking for more responsibility, and who you don’t really ever want to see again.
Football Leagues That Bit The Dust: WFL
This is the NFL:
In 2005, it made 5.7 billion dollars in a market for which it has no major competition. So they’re pretty much playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, except that the marbles are diamonds, and they broke the other three hippos.
“Gee Whiz!” You must be thinking, if you are a man of moderate fortune and worse impulse control. “If I could come up with my own NFL, could I be eating some of those diamonds?”
The short answer? No. The long answer?
(This is the first in a series of hilarious doomed professional football leagues that did not even come close to making it.)
World Football League (1974-1975)
But I’m Sure It Was Special in its Own Way!
Absolutely. The WFL was revolutionary in that it realized the best way to get the NFL’s attention was to start rampantly stealing its players. And not one or two who’d accidentally killed hookers and needed to go where no audience share could find them, like the other upstart leagues.
60 of them.
This was back when NFL players were amongst the most poorly paid professional athletes, and when the WFL came to town with its promises of shark tanks, pirate doubloons, and a monorail, the floodgates opened. So you can credit the WFL with introducing the weird greed induced psychosis that some NFL players tend to drift into.
The Oakland Raiders lost both their quarterbacks, and the loss of three star players completely derailed the Miami Dolphins’s Super Bowl streak, a blow from which they did not recover until whenever it is that they finally recover from that.
So how could this possibly go bad?
Have you ever purchased an NFL player? Of course not. You have a rent-controlled spleen.
The vast majority of upstart leagues are eventually dragged behind the barn and shot because of money issues. But in every league besides the WFL, the only thing they require of players is that you’ve looked at a football once, and didn’t eat it right away.
Add to the mix the fact that the WFL was giving away or severely discounting the majority of its tickets, and this meant for financial problems straight out of a Dickens novel.
Players from the Portland Storm were reportedly fed by local citizens, while the Florida Blazers had to survive on McDonald’s vouchers. The Charlotte Hornets had their uniforms impounded, presumably because they had left them in a fire lane.
Along with teams demanding relocations (amongst them, no kidding, the Detroit Wheels), the team’s hemmoraging bottom line was such a laughingstock that, at the World Football League’s championship game, in order to avoid embarrassment over possibly bouncing a check, the prize money was just stacked in cash on a table in the middle of the field.
Oh God, it’s horrible, KILL IT.
In true WFL fashion, the day after the World Bowl, the champion’s uniforms were confiscated by sheriff’s deputies. And when you’ve become that wacky league best known for having your clothes repossessed, it’s probably not a good time to make a play for Joe Namath.
Joe, to his future internet lulz credit, actually did consider joining, but then he realized he was Joe Namath, and re-signed with the Jets. The WFL died of a broke(n) heart shortly thereafter.
This league has the great distinction of not actually ever having a single franchise out of the United States, though not for lack of trying. The furthest they got was Hawaii, where they were most likely stopped for indecent exposure.
NFL Players Who Probably Made a Deal With the Devil: Walter Payton
(Many NFL players join the league, retire, and live happily ever after. Many more join the league, retire, and then slowly slide into depression, divorce, and debt. But some guys join the league, retire, and then apparently have a blood debt to pay in exchange for their career. And when Satan comes to collect for services rendered, he is a jerk. This is the first in an ongoing series of Epic NFL Players Who Did Not So Much Do With The Riding Into The Sunset. Because sometimes, you need to feel better about your life as a toilet salesman.)
The weird thing about this one is that Walter Payton had the scariest, gassiest, mustache-iest bodyguards ever: the City of Chicago. Seriously, if you’re in Chicago, and find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between insulting Walter Payton, and robbing a bank, we hope for your sake that you’re this guy:
Because then at least you could do the bank thing.
In addition to being vouched for by the room-clearing sausage fart capital of the world, Walter Payton is universally regarded as one of the greatest running backs of all time. He went to the Pro-Bowl nine times, which is only one time less then the number of times Eli Manning goes to the pro-bowl in that dream he has where Archie Manning finally loves him.
And then he got Primary Schlerosing Cholangitis.
No, not Eli. Walter.
This is an illness so complicated to pronounce, we would probably have to point to it on the menu when the waiter asked for our order.
Primary sclerosing cholangitis is French for “Your liver has submitted its resignation, and Lifetime’s movie people would like to do lunch.”
Payton spent his last 10 months recording public service ads for organ donation, complete with the tasty irony of having recorded the first one after his disease was too advanced for a transplant to make any difference. Which would be the tasty irony on special at Walter Payton’s Roundhouse, were it not already this:
Yeah, he’s awesome.
Some Players From My Wildcard Week Fantasy Team With Whom I Am Unhappy, And Would Like to Have a Word.
OK. Obviously this was my bad.
This defense is ranked something like 867th in the league. There are Gulf Coast protective systems more capable of working together to stop
a passing game r unning game a game.
See? They’re at least plugging one hole.
The Colts D have no business being on anyone’s fantasy team unless the trade-off is for something real, like drugs. And especially the playoff week against a passing game like Phillip Rivers and whomever he surgically inserted magnets into.
But I thought, hey, Peyton has really been playing
better well lately, and fuck it, a team that more or less consistently gets it done must be doing something right? Right.
I was also out of money.
In truth, the Colts suffer from Pussycat Dolls syndrome. You assume that they’re hot, but when you examine them individually, you realize that at least one of them is a dude.
So that was my fault. But the part in OT where you all decided you were done playing football and ready to play KY wrestling, instead? You guys are jerks.
About halfway through the Eagles/Vikings game, I actually said aloud, to no one in particular: isn’t Westbrook supposed to be broken? Is Correll even at this game? Is he actually at the Applebee’s across the street? Is Andy Reid actually a 12-year-old with a burning coaching dream, wearing a sad merkin, and sitting on Correll’s shoulders under that coat?
So you can imagine how annoyed I was when I saw this after Westbrook (WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN) ran in his TD:
Oh COME ON, Correll. I DON’T GET ANY POINTS FOR A PASS COMPLETION OF WESTBROOK. You had the energy to run your ass down to the end zone to catch him, but you couldn’t manage to get it together and either be open at the right time, or trip the dude and recover the fumble? I’m sure you’ve at least got one hooker to impress.
Cheering is extra.
(To be fair, I had earned two points from him prior to this arrival, but I didn’t see that/those play(s), so I assume it was a dude in a Correll costume.)
Are you serious, Dallas Clark? IT’S PEYTON FUCKING MANNING. I have to say fucking, because his middle name is actually a Mayan curse that stops your heart that Mel Gibson might have made up. You have the easiest job on this team, except for maybe Tony Dungy’s part-time job as Blaxploitation WaLuigi.
You’re not even the dude in the Pussycat Dolls. You’re the chick in the hood that just has her head photo-shopped in. Whatever, I have my pick from the top seeded teams, now. You have to go home and rim your cat, or whatever else it is you do in this alternate universe where you are a professional athlete who can’t get it together for Peyton Manning.
Potential New Careers for Rex Grossman:
Potential New Careers for Rex Grossman: Wikimedia Board Member.
Poor Rex. It must be heartbreaking to be so bad at your job that you’re second string to an injured Dave Grohl.
One of the more unintentionally hilarious parts of this year’s Bears season was the sideline check-in shots of Rex: the only guy on the bench wearing his helmet, doing Pilates for some reason. In the 1st quarter, there would be a hopeful glance at Lovie whenever Kyle took a hard fall. By the 2nd quarter, there would be a hopeful glance at Lovie whenever dudes in any position took a hard fall.
By the 4th quarter, he had ordered pizza.
But anyway, poor Rex was almost tossed in a bag and sold on eBay during off-season last year, but sadly, a new puppy is a big responsibility, and no one wanted him.
Should have advertised.
Rexy was signed to a one year contract, as well as a quarterback-off at high noon against Lovie’s other ex-boyfriend, Kyle Orton. We rooted for Kyle because while he was also a shitastrophe, that was, like, 4 years ago, so maybe he’s different now?
As to be expected, Rex left the toilet seat up, and was banished to the bench. He’ll most likely be thrown out the car window when they’re sure no one is looking. Also, Lovie is probably tired of hearing Rex insist he’d read somewhere that originally there was also a “chick part” to the quarterback position, like “on that dancing show”, and he’s been doing all these Pilates…
But Rexy has got a long career of being cranky in bowling alleys ahead of him! And he can’t work at the McDonalds, like those normal assholes. So, here is the first in a series of Potential New Careers for Rex Grossman:
Wikimedia Board Member!
And what better candidate then a dude who has clearly authored his own wikipedia page:
He won’t even have to send in his resume! And if anyone asks him what he’s been doing since 2006, he can refer them to the Papa Johns on Michigan Ave.